It's safe to say that yesterday, I had a complete and utter mental and emotional break down. On top of breaking my foot a week before opening in a show, constantly having to find people to watch Sam and feeling like a horrible mother for shuffling him around so much, I'm completely upside down in my car and after trying to get it registered yesterday-realized that the automotive money pit needs in fact MORE work and more money. All of these things piled on top of each other resulted in an emotionally explosive phone call to my mother while sitting in the Smiths parking lot-sobbing, in my sweats, ratty old t-shirt, no makeup and stuffed into this huge, annoying medical boot- slouched in my car in broad daylight. I'm sure any passer-by leaving the grocery store was just as perplexed as I would have been, had I seen myself sitting like that in my car. I felt like I had every justifiable reason to be angry at the world in that moment. Single mom, married twice by the time she's 24, burdening everyone around her to help with her son because her ex-husband moved to africa-so she can go chase some dream of getting to be at the theater again, to then break her foot at the theater and have to burden people MORE with her son because not only is she in a show now-shes injured too. I continued my pity party with all the anger I had for my ex and for the way our marriage had gone, for how hard I have to work to provide for me and Sam and how scary it is to be financially independent. As I sat there and bawled to my mom about how "this isn't how my life was supposed to go" and "I didn't ask for this" she stopped me. First I was angry she wouldn't just listen. Then she said something that changed everything.
"Amanda- you're allowed to vent. But in the end, you get about 10 minutes to be angry, let it all out, then realize how good you really have it." She had gone up to Primary Children's Hospital with a friend last week and had seen some deeply saddening things. "Do you know how grateful you should be to have a child that is healthy, has a future….or even just has hair, Amanda?" I immediately stopped crying. What was I doing? Then I realized-that maybe the real reason why I was so miserable in that moment wasn't because of all the things going wrong in my life right now. Maybe my misery was coming from a place of selfishness and the inability to look past myself. "You have so much to be grateful for. So maybe its just time you looked at all the GOOD you have in your life, instead of what you think is all bad." She was right. I had so much more to be grateful for than angry about- Starting with the fact that she was the person on the other end of this phone call.
When Jared and I were married, every day sometime before bed, I would ask the kids "Tell me 3 things you're grateful for today". Every day. I'm not sure where it came from- maybe just the same motherly instinct from my mother of wanting them to see how much they have to be thankful for in their lives. Sometimes I would get sarcastic answers like "pizza" or "x-box"….but after a couple months, I started to get very sincere answers. "I'm grateful for heavenly father and the family he gave me." "I'm grateful for Sam and how happy he is". or "I'm grateful that Hugo came back home today from running away". After that, I'd tell them my 3 things as well Regardless of how crazy or seemingly meaningless the answers were sometimes, it showed us how much we really do have to be thankful for…..and as unfortunate as is it is, after Jared and I divorced I forgot to continue to apply my simple 3 things rule into my own life. It's so easy to get caught up in the bad or hard things that happen to us every day-who ever knew that choosing happiness could be so hard? Gordon B. Hinckley once said:
"We tend to forget that Happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather recognizing and appreciating what we do have."
So today (and every other day) after all is said and done and you've fought through another days battles and felt its short comings-ask yourself 'what are 3 things I'm grateful for today?' Here are mine.
1. I'm grateful for Family. My Parents and Grandparents that sacrifice every day to help me in my dreams and goals by constantly pushing me, supporting my decisions and helping me with Sam. To have a little boy that is not only so happy and healthy, but has helped me find true purpose in my life. I tell everyone that you don't know who you are till you have kids-and it's so true. With that, I'm grateful for his brother and sister that love him so much as well.
2. I'm grateful for the chance that I have to be apart of a cast family again in Jekyll & Hyde. Theater is my own form of comfort and therapy- & breaking a foot was a small blip in how amazing I feel being in this show and for the friendships I've made during this process.
3. Dr. Pepper. Today I'm just really grateful for Dr. Pepper. ;)
-Freebird
