becoming who I am.

Happy Transformation Tuesday, everyone.



(insert generic #transformationtuesday photo here)

     11|23
Not too shabby, eh?

All my life, I've always thought that eye opening and life changing moments would be big events full of drama and gusto. The more of those moments I have however, the more I'm realizing that for me- they come in the most subtle and internal kinds of ways. My amazing mother threw her back out yesterday so I went to help put a few things away in her basement today. When I was wrapping up, I saw a clear storage tote sitting on her craft counter full of my favorite thing in the world: old photos. I can get lost for literally hours in memories of my family and myself. I feel like I'm getting to watch one of my favorite movies over and over again through every photo. Each one makes me smile, reminisce and reminds me just how amazing my life is. As I was shuffling through this wonderful box of envelopes filled with my childhood, I had a very internal, and powerful moment. I have always been one that relishes memories of the past, tries so desperately to figure out the present and is completely terrified of the future….I mean, come on.  At least in the past I know what's going to happen. And because of all of these things, today I realized why exactly I am a photographer. I took upon myself the privilage of shooting the moments of the present to be someones memories in the future. What an honor it is to be the capturing vessel for the photos that those around me will keep and love for not only their lifetime, but those of their children and grandchildren as well. (the more I look at it that way however, the scarier my job seems. pressure, much?)
Setting photography aside, looking through all of these photos today was definitely an answer to a prayer that was much needed. Although I am completely flawed and have a very colorful track record, I know that those things don't change the person that I am and the person I am becoming. A good friend of mine text me late last night and in those texts they said "you are not defined by your circumstance, and that is such an admirable quality." I only wish he knew how much I had needed to hear that. Goodness in people doesn't go away because of the mistakes we make. It goes away when we choose to let our mistakes become more important than the lessons attached to them. So in a way, I'm grateful that the little toe headed, buck toothed girl smiling back at me in all my old photos has been a little 'mistake' prone. It's all just one more step on the path of becoming who I am.

-A

life as of now.

So. 

I've had a lot of people send me Facebook messages, texts, phone calls and even stop me dead in the middle of isles in the super market recently to ask me how I'm doing. If you haven't noticed the change through my social media pages-well. My life's pretty different now than it was 8 weeks ago. It's actually slightly mind blowing how much your entire world can change in two months. One thing I have learned however, is that there's no going back. So, this post isn't about whats happened-just whats happening now. 

Sam and I are now living in my grandparents basement. Trust me. I know how that sounds, but I couldn't be more blessed to be here. If you ever get the privilege to meet my grandmother, you'll meet a short, sweet and amazingly loving woman with an overwhelming desire to provide and care for those who need it most. From stray dogs and ex-cons to road weary truckers and divorcees-she takes everyone as they come, breakfast included. Aside from my wonderful upstairs living mates, my basement is a cute, above ground apartment set back in hundreds of trees with a long creek in the back yard and more grass than you could ever need. Every little boys dream come true. I have big windows looking over an endless sea of green and a fenced yard for Hugo. It really doesn't get any better than that. 

Besides Sam, I would have to say that the other thing I am the absolute most passionate about in my life, is my work. I honestly ask myself almost every day how I got so lucky to do what I do, with the people I do it with. I never thought when I got my first camera in high school and fell in love with photography that I would end up making a living for my son and I doing it. Not only that, but I get to work with some of the most talented, driven and hard working people I know. It doesn't even feel real to think that in the last 9 months I have gone to the places I have, met the people I've met and grown as much as I have as a photographer-and I know it's because of the love and support of those around me, including my heavenly father. I know now more than ever how much he loves me. There is a plan for everyone and I'm just trying to figure mine out. 

I tell people all the time that the reason I have such a perfect child is because the good Lord knew I would have such a crazy life. He had to compensate for me somewhere. The more I look at it however, I realize that it's not just Sam He knew I needed to be blessed with. But my parents and friends as well. I can honestly say that I wouldn't be where I am today (or in one piece anyway) without my mother. As a teenager you never realize how amazing they are, till you become one yourself. A single one at that. She is my best friend, therapist, babysitter and the most amazing grandma anyone could ever ask for. Sam doesn't even know how lucky he is. We both are loved so much by so many, I honestly ask myself on a daily basis what I've ever done to deserve those around me. 

Aside from all that folks, I fill my days with shooting, ignoring my laundry, being with my amazing friends, eating chinese food, singing show tunes, ignoring my laundry some more and watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. And I LOVE it. So, the next time you see me in the grocery store or feel the impulse to send me a Facebook message-just know this. Happiness is a choice and it's something every day that I'm choosing. Yes. Some days it's extremely hard to look at myself and my life and realize where I'm at and all the things that have lead me here. But I wouldn't change a single thing that's happened to me in my life, not for a second. Those who know and love me most know that it would seem unnatural for my life to be anything but crazy and unpredictable. So for now, we're a free bird and a boy. Taking everything day by day and loving every moment. 

-A