Slump Soup

So. I've been pretty down in the dumps about a lot recently. It's been a time of my life full of so much love and happiness-yet so much confusion, anger, sadness and anxiety I've had a hard time 'keeping up the happy'. So today I decided it was time to do something that makes me happy, just because. And although I'm not a good cook (ask my mother. Or ex-husband), there is one thing I cook-and cook well.  If you know anything about me, you know that I'm an extremely picky eater. So as much as a soup with potatoes, pasta AND gnocchi is a total food faux-pas, this girl loves her carbs. (feel free to leave out one or even two of the three if its just too much. My family prefers it without gnocchi and it's perfectly fine that way.) I've made it for multiple parties, sick and pregnant friends and I even made it for my guests on my own wedding day. I've had multiple people ask for the recipe and I have yet to meet someone who doesn't like it. So I figured to start getting myself out of this slump, I'd do the two things that make me happy. Make my 'famous' soup and share it with the people I love. And if you read my blog, it means I love you. :) So without further a due, I present….my soup. 

NOTE: I am NOT a cook. So bare with me through all the half-assed and guessed measurements. Good thing is, this soup is so easy to make you don't need it to be exact. 

Ahem-lets begin. 

(feeds 2 VERY comfortably….but should probably be served to 4.)

You will need: 

A soup pot. 

 one box and one can of beef broth. Look how in focus that photo is. Man, I'm good.

 One can sliced, stewed tomatoes and tomato sauce (note: you can use fresh tomatoes. I've never done it, but if you're one of those healthier,  organic types I'm sure it works great. I just love the juices that come from the can. and its easier.) 

 One package au jus gravy mix.

 One russet potato, two large carrots and two large stalks of celery. 

And about a cup and a half of your favorite pasta. My personal favorite is this radiator. The soup gets stuck in the cracks and is oh so good. 

 Start by pouring the entire box of beef broth and can of stewed tomatoes together in the pot to start boiling. 

 Add your favorite seasonings to the broth. What I always use and prefer are salt, pepper, season salt and my very favorite-rosemary. Vary as much as you like…but trust me on the rosemary. season to taste throughout the soup. My advice is to start small and add throughout. The beef broth and au jus add quite a bit of salt so be careful. 

This is the only technical part of the entire dish. While waiting for your broth to boil, peel and chop your carrots, potatoes and celery like such. Once your broth is at a good boil, first add your potatoes. (they take the longest to cook.) Give them about two minutes on their own then add your noodles and carrots. We don't add celery till later. 

 This is where my true talent as a chef comes into play…. lets get technical. see that packet of gravy mix? pour it into a mug about yay big, fill the mug with cold water while stirring till lumps are out-then dump in the pot with everything else. The au jus not only adds awesome flavor, but adds as a thicker as well instead of having to use corn starch. Add celery and bring back up to a boil.

Now, you wait. Like 7 more minutes. Over time, the soup will thicken quite a bit. This is what the extra can of beef broth is for. Add more broth till your desired thickness. 

NOTE: The soup is done when your pasta is done! Is there anything worse that over-cooked pasta? No. Just keep taste testing. When your pasta is still just the slights bit al-dente, add your gnocchi. 

 (they're italian potato dumplings) I usually add a good handful.  I absolutely love the texture they give to the soup, but if they're just not your thing or you're just carbed out, feel free to skip this step and let your soup continue to finish cooking without them.  

Remove the pot from heat, put a lid on your pot and let it sit covered for a good ten minutes or so. Let all the beautiful tastes from this concoction absorb each other a little longer. 

 My absolute favorite bread to pair with this soup are the crescent rolls from the can. Throw them in the oven 5 minutes before your soup is done and consider it soup dipping heaven. in the 100+ times I've made this soup, I have yet to find a bread I like with it better. 

For the meat lover in your life: sear a good piece of beef, chop it up and drop it in about 5 minutes before the soup is finished. Instant beef stew….soup? We'll call it Steup.  

 Forgive me in my lacking of food blogging skills. I've never had to write down a recipe before, so I hope it was easy enough to follow. A reason why I love this soup so much is just how absolutely easy it is to make. Anyone brave enough to make it following my amazing instructions-let me know how it turns out! I would love to hear from you.

Enjoy. :) 

-Free Bird 

3 Things

It's safe to say that yesterday, I had a complete and utter mental and emotional break down. On top of breaking my foot a week before opening in a show, constantly having to find people to watch Sam and feeling like a horrible mother for shuffling him around so much, I'm completely upside down in my car and after trying to get it registered yesterday-realized that the automotive money pit needs in fact MORE work and more money. All of these things piled on top of each other resulted in an emotionally explosive phone call to my mother while sitting in the Smiths parking lot-sobbing, in my sweats, ratty old t-shirt, no makeup and stuffed into this huge, annoying medical boot- slouched in my car in broad daylight.  I'm sure any passer-by leaving the grocery store was just as perplexed as I would have been, had I seen myself sitting like that in my car. I felt like I had every justifiable reason to be angry at the world in that moment. Single mom, married twice by the time she's 24, burdening everyone around her to help with her son because her ex-husband moved to africa-so she can go chase some dream of getting to be at the theater again, to then break her foot at the theater and have to burden people MORE with her son because not only is she in a show now-shes injured too. I continued my pity party with all the anger I had for my ex and for the way our marriage had gone, for how hard I have to work to provide for me and Sam and how scary it is to be financially independent. As I sat there and bawled to my mom about how "this isn't how my life was supposed to go" and "I didn't ask for this" she stopped me. First I was angry she wouldn't just listen. Then she said something that changed everything. 

"Amanda- you're allowed to vent. But in the end, you get about 10 minutes to be angry, let it all out, then realize how good you really have it." She had gone up to Primary Children's Hospital with a friend last week and had seen some deeply saddening things. "Do you know how grateful you should be to have a child that is healthy, has a future….or even just has hair, Amanda?" I immediately stopped crying. What was I doing? Then I realized-that maybe the real reason why I was so miserable in that moment wasn't because of all the things going wrong in my life right now. Maybe my misery was coming from a place of selfishness and the inability to look past myself. "You have so much to be grateful for. So maybe its just time you looked at all the GOOD you have in your life, instead of what you think is all bad." She was right. I had so much more to be grateful for than angry about- Starting with the fact that she was the person on the other end of this phone call. 

When Jared and I were married, every day sometime before bed, I would ask the kids "Tell me 3 things you're grateful for today". Every day. I'm not sure where it came from- maybe just the same motherly instinct from my mother of wanting them to see how much they have to be thankful for in their lives. Sometimes I would get sarcastic answers like "pizza" or "x-box"….but after a couple months, I started to get very sincere answers. "I'm grateful for heavenly father and the family he gave me." "I'm grateful for Sam and how happy he is". or "I'm grateful that Hugo came back home today from running away". After that, I'd tell them my 3 things as well  Regardless of how crazy or seemingly meaningless the answers were sometimes, it showed us how much we really do have to be thankful for…..and as unfortunate as is it is, after Jared and I divorced I forgot to continue to apply my simple 3 things rule into my own life. It's so easy to get caught up in the bad or hard things that happen to us every day-who ever knew that choosing happiness could be so hard? Gordon B. Hinckley once said: 

"We tend to forget that Happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather recognizing and appreciating what we do have." 

So today (and every other day) after all is said and done and you've fought through another days battles and felt its short comings-ask yourself 'what are 3 things I'm grateful for today?' Here are mine. 

1. I'm grateful for Family. My Parents and Grandparents that sacrifice every day to help me in my dreams and goals by constantly pushing me, supporting my decisions and helping me with Sam. To have a little boy that is not only so happy and healthy, but has helped me find true purpose in my life. I tell everyone that you don't know who you are till you have kids-and it's so true. With that, I'm grateful for his brother and sister that love him so much as well. 

2. I'm grateful for the chance that I have to be apart of a cast family again in Jekyll & Hyde. Theater is my own form of comfort and therapy- & breaking a foot was a small blip in how amazing I feel being in this show and for the friendships I've made during this process. 

3. Dr. Pepper. Today I'm just really grateful for Dr. Pepper. ;) 

-Freebird 

Surviving Single Motherhood

I have had a surprising amount of girls reach out to me in confidence recently, asking me for advice. Weather its the same situation, similar or not really at all- my words have been requested more than once. Why do I say that's surprising? Because I've never really thought of myself as much of an advice giver- and I've definitely never thought of myself as a good example to anyone going to through a situation like mine. I tend to think to myself 'come on. Are you kidding? Divorced twice and a single mom by 23? For the love, don't ask ME of all people for advice through the hardest time of your life, please….' Then today when I was talking to a good friend about this same topic, I had a realization. Maybe all of those reasons are what do in fact make me the perfect person to be giving my two cents about those topics. Some of you might not have the same opinion, so maybe you're the smart ones here….who knows. 

Being raised by a single mother until I was 11 years old, I'd have the fortune of seeing this story play out as a child, and now as an adult. And when I say fortune- I mean it. I don't care how hard it ever gets in life, when asked what has made me the person I am today and the person I am striving to become tomorrow-I will always tell you that it's because of the struggles and hardships of my past, and that I would never change it. Now that I'm in a similar situation as my mom was, I look at both sides of the spectrum of my life and realize that regardless if it was pre-destined or some fate of chance I would end up in this place myself as an adult, the things I went through with my mom have saved me in my adult life with Sam. So, with all of that being said, I give to you Amanda Rumsey's 5 rules of Surviving Single Motherhood. (lets be honest-they're more like suggestions. Rules sounds like we're back in school again) 

1. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS

I can't tell you how many times over the last year of my life I have gotten on Facebook or Instagram late at night, just to scroll through the pages of others that have seemingly perfect lives. Perfect spouses, beautiful kids, adorable puppies amazing clothes and beautifully poured cups of coffee held by perfectly manicured hands on country walks in spring…..come on guys. Really? Even all the married moms out there know that NO ones life is truly that wonderful 24/7. The number one thing I hate about social media, is its falsity towards everyone else in society. I feel that way, because I did it first hand for a long time. Marriage is falling apart? Post a loving picture of your husband on instagram, telling everyone how amazing he is. Had the worst day of your life with your kids and you feel like jumping off a bridge? take a cute snuggling picture when they finally fall asleep and hashtag #myperfectworld. Half the photos I ever posted of sam as a newborn were either after extremely long, painful and stressful days or a split second of luck with my iPhone. Every family and marriage has it's struggles and hardships, no matter what they might put out there on social media. Yes-there are those out there that put it out there, exactly the way it is. And for those of you who put out perfection because you really do have it, you get nothing but happiness from this green eyed girl. YOUR LIFE IS EXACTLY HOW IT SHOULD BE, BECAUSE IT'S YOURS. Don't ever under estimate the power of owning the life you lead-for all you know someone is looking at your life and wanting the exact same thing. 

2. YOU'RE DOING MORE RIGHT THAN YOU THINK

I can't read parenting books for this very reason. Every time I open one I look back on the last year of my life and wonder how the hell I screwed up my child so quickly without even knowing it…and he's only one. Bottom line is- you're going to make mistakes. You're going to have days when you feel like everything you do is wrong and you just pray that one day they'll forgive you for how much you fell short….but. What adults don't realize and what we 'single-parent children' know, is this: by showing your children that above all else, you love, cherish, adore and take pride in them-you're doing everything right. Someday, french fries and capri sun is going to happen for dinner and that's okay. Someones going to fall off a bed, crawl down the stairs head first or lather themselves in hair gel one day too. You're allowed to cry, Eat an entire pint of ice-cream, wear the same sweats for 3 days straight, and tell yourself nothing will every be okay again-all you want. But you're never allowed to tell yourself you're not good enough- or to quit. No one is every truly ready to be a parent. Although this mentality doesn't really work in the 'real' world or workplace, trying your best truly is enough as a parent-as long as it's always met with unconditional love. 

3. BE HAPPY WITH YOU, TO BE THE BEST YOU FOR THEM 

Tricky title, I know. Here's what it boils down to: YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. The analogy I like to give people for this one is the oxygen masks on an airplane. Anyone who's even flown before knows that in your pre-flight instructions, you're told that in case of an emergency you put your oxygen mask on yourself before helping those around you. If you can't breath, you can't help someone else. The same principle applies to not only motherhood, but life in general. To be candid: I got to a point around 7 months ago when I was so unhappy, I wasn't being the mother I needed to be for Sam. It got so bad that it not only greatly affected my life with him, but my relationships with my friends and family as well. It wasn't until I decided to make a change and to love myself first that I realized how important of a roll my happiness played in my parenting. I couldn't help Sam if I wasn't helping myself. Some people don't agree with me on this point, but. I firmly believe that Happiness is a choice. No one can 'make' you unhappy unless you let them-you choose to be. Children or not, I would hope everyone could apply this mentality to their lives. You deserve to be happy, nothing else. If you put good into yourself, you can put good out to those around you. Funny how that works. 

4. YOU AREN'T ALONE (nor will you be forever) 

Part A: Asking for help doesn't make you weak. I bet you would be amazed at how many people are truly there for you and are champing at the bit to watch you succeed-if you would be willing to reach out to those around you. Parents, extended family, friends, neighbors, ward members, co-workers, you name it. I honestly don't know what I would do without my mom, grandma, and an arm-full of amazing friends. Those who love you the most, will always be there to help you find happiness. If nothing else, my best friend Jessica is always on the ready for a phone call from me-weather I'm crying, laughing, venting or have hardly anything to say…sometimes just having someone to call and have listen to your problems, is enough. If you truly feel like you have no one close to you in your life to reach out to for help-I'm sitting here now, telling you to come to me. If anything, just to listen. (it goes a lot further than you think) 

Part B: "I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life". I don't know how many times I've heard this from new single moms. As much as I can understand feeling like that-I have some pretty uplifting thoughts for you to ask yourself.…what if you weren't? What if someone came into your life that could not only love you the way you deserve to be loved, but your child (children) as well? What if you position yourself in such a place of your life that when that time was to come-you were happy, open, ready and willing to love and be loved again? It all comes back to the 'putting good out there so good comes to you' mentally that I talked about earlier. Life is a crazy, messed up, beautiful thing. Sometimes it can get hard to not feel like "one mans trash is another mans…" you know. Affliction and hard knocks don't make you trash- they make you stronger. How amazing would it be if someone could come along and see the beautiful person your trials have made you, and love you as you are? Without divulging too much into my personal life, I will tell you this: It's more than possible. When my mom realized she was pregnant with me, she suddenly found herself alone. After 11 hard years and feeling all these same thoughts, the most wonderful man I could have ever asked for walked into our lives one day and never looked back. After 3 months, he married my mom, adopted me, sealed himself to me in the temple and then then had my youngest brother. My dad Rees is a perfect example that it's possible-and deserved. 

5. TRUST YOURSELF 

This one tends to be the hardest for me. How could I ever trust myself again after all the mistakes I've made? Well, no one knows you better than you. And as screwed up and embarrassed as we tend to feel about ourselves sometimes- the moment when you stop trusting yourself is usually when things get even worse. You are made of tough stuff. If ever you doubt your purpose here, or question your ability to get through the hard times-I challenge you to do one thing. Hit your knees. Didn't see that coming? Although my testimony tends to be very private and is something I don't ever plan on sharing over social media, I will say one thing: no matter how alone you feel, or how scared you get-someone knows your problems and your ability to overcome them more than you do. If at times you feel like it's too much to trust yourself, trust him. Nothing will ever happen that you and God can't handle together. 

If this blog post has made me seem really well put together and on top of my life, social media has once again done it's beautiful job. Trust me when I tell you that I am far from any of those things. But at the end of the day, when I sit back and think about where I'm at in my life, it always comes back around to one thing: acceptance. Accepting who I am, where I'm at and what is to come. My happiest days come from the realization that trying my best is good enough-and that I am a good person, despite my short comings. Regardless of anything else, I hope that in some way, my mistakes have and can help those who need it.  In the end, I guess 'surviving' isn't how I would describe my life right now. I would consider myself thriving in my own crazy, messed up and beautiful world-taking it one day at a time.

      Life's too short to just survive. 

"You are braver than you believe,

Stronger than you seem &

smarter than you think." 

-Winnie The Pooh 

-Freebird 

becoming who I am.

Happy Transformation Tuesday, everyone.



(insert generic #transformationtuesday photo here)

     11|23
Not too shabby, eh?

All my life, I've always thought that eye opening and life changing moments would be big events full of drama and gusto. The more of those moments I have however, the more I'm realizing that for me- they come in the most subtle and internal kinds of ways. My amazing mother threw her back out yesterday so I went to help put a few things away in her basement today. When I was wrapping up, I saw a clear storage tote sitting on her craft counter full of my favorite thing in the world: old photos. I can get lost for literally hours in memories of my family and myself. I feel like I'm getting to watch one of my favorite movies over and over again through every photo. Each one makes me smile, reminisce and reminds me just how amazing my life is. As I was shuffling through this wonderful box of envelopes filled with my childhood, I had a very internal, and powerful moment. I have always been one that relishes memories of the past, tries so desperately to figure out the present and is completely terrified of the future….I mean, come on.  At least in the past I know what's going to happen. And because of all of these things, today I realized why exactly I am a photographer. I took upon myself the privilage of shooting the moments of the present to be someones memories in the future. What an honor it is to be the capturing vessel for the photos that those around me will keep and love for not only their lifetime, but those of their children and grandchildren as well. (the more I look at it that way however, the scarier my job seems. pressure, much?)
Setting photography aside, looking through all of these photos today was definitely an answer to a prayer that was much needed. Although I am completely flawed and have a very colorful track record, I know that those things don't change the person that I am and the person I am becoming. A good friend of mine text me late last night and in those texts they said "you are not defined by your circumstance, and that is such an admirable quality." I only wish he knew how much I had needed to hear that. Goodness in people doesn't go away because of the mistakes we make. It goes away when we choose to let our mistakes become more important than the lessons attached to them. So in a way, I'm grateful that the little toe headed, buck toothed girl smiling back at me in all my old photos has been a little 'mistake' prone. It's all just one more step on the path of becoming who I am.

-A

life as of now.

So. 

I've had a lot of people send me Facebook messages, texts, phone calls and even stop me dead in the middle of isles in the super market recently to ask me how I'm doing. If you haven't noticed the change through my social media pages-well. My life's pretty different now than it was 8 weeks ago. It's actually slightly mind blowing how much your entire world can change in two months. One thing I have learned however, is that there's no going back. So, this post isn't about whats happened-just whats happening now. 

Sam and I are now living in my grandparents basement. Trust me. I know how that sounds, but I couldn't be more blessed to be here. If you ever get the privilege to meet my grandmother, you'll meet a short, sweet and amazingly loving woman with an overwhelming desire to provide and care for those who need it most. From stray dogs and ex-cons to road weary truckers and divorcees-she takes everyone as they come, breakfast included. Aside from my wonderful upstairs living mates, my basement is a cute, above ground apartment set back in hundreds of trees with a long creek in the back yard and more grass than you could ever need. Every little boys dream come true. I have big windows looking over an endless sea of green and a fenced yard for Hugo. It really doesn't get any better than that. 

Besides Sam, I would have to say that the other thing I am the absolute most passionate about in my life, is my work. I honestly ask myself almost every day how I got so lucky to do what I do, with the people I do it with. I never thought when I got my first camera in high school and fell in love with photography that I would end up making a living for my son and I doing it. Not only that, but I get to work with some of the most talented, driven and hard working people I know. It doesn't even feel real to think that in the last 9 months I have gone to the places I have, met the people I've met and grown as much as I have as a photographer-and I know it's because of the love and support of those around me, including my heavenly father. I know now more than ever how much he loves me. There is a plan for everyone and I'm just trying to figure mine out. 

I tell people all the time that the reason I have such a perfect child is because the good Lord knew I would have such a crazy life. He had to compensate for me somewhere. The more I look at it however, I realize that it's not just Sam He knew I needed to be blessed with. But my parents and friends as well. I can honestly say that I wouldn't be where I am today (or in one piece anyway) without my mother. As a teenager you never realize how amazing they are, till you become one yourself. A single one at that. She is my best friend, therapist, babysitter and the most amazing grandma anyone could ever ask for. Sam doesn't even know how lucky he is. We both are loved so much by so many, I honestly ask myself on a daily basis what I've ever done to deserve those around me. 

Aside from all that folks, I fill my days with shooting, ignoring my laundry, being with my amazing friends, eating chinese food, singing show tunes, ignoring my laundry some more and watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. And I LOVE it. So, the next time you see me in the grocery store or feel the impulse to send me a Facebook message-just know this. Happiness is a choice and it's something every day that I'm choosing. Yes. Some days it's extremely hard to look at myself and my life and realize where I'm at and all the things that have lead me here. But I wouldn't change a single thing that's happened to me in my life, not for a second. Those who know and love me most know that it would seem unnatural for my life to be anything but crazy and unpredictable. So for now, we're a free bird and a boy. Taking everything day by day and loving every moment. 

-A