I have had a surprising amount of girls reach out to me in confidence recently, asking me for advice. Weather its the same situation, similar or not really at all- my words have been requested more than once. Why do I say that's surprising? Because I've never really thought of myself as much of an advice giver- and I've definitely never thought of myself as a good example to anyone going to through a situation like mine. I tend to think to myself 'come on. Are you kidding? Divorced twice and a single mom by 23? For the love, don't ask ME of all people for advice through the hardest time of your life, please….' Then today when I was talking to a good friend about this same topic, I had a realization. Maybe all of those reasons are what do in fact make me the perfect person to be giving my two cents about those topics. Some of you might not have the same opinion, so maybe you're the smart ones here….who knows.
Being raised by a single mother until I was 11 years old, I'd have the fortune of seeing this story play out as a child, and now as an adult. And when I say fortune- I mean it. I don't care how hard it ever gets in life, when asked what has made me the person I am today and the person I am striving to become tomorrow-I will always tell you that it's because of the struggles and hardships of my past, and that I would never change it. Now that I'm in a similar situation as my mom was, I look at both sides of the spectrum of my life and realize that regardless if it was pre-destined or some fate of chance I would end up in this place myself as an adult, the things I went through with my mom have saved me in my adult life with Sam. So, with all of that being said, I give to you Amanda Rumsey's 5 rules of Surviving Single Motherhood. (lets be honest-they're more like suggestions. Rules sounds like we're back in school again)
1. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
I can't tell you how many times over the last year of my life I have gotten on Facebook or Instagram late at night, just to scroll through the pages of others that have seemingly perfect lives. Perfect spouses, beautiful kids, adorable puppies amazing clothes and beautifully poured cups of coffee held by perfectly manicured hands on country walks in spring…..come on guys. Really? Even all the married moms out there know that NO ones life is truly that wonderful 24/7. The number one thing I hate about social media, is its falsity towards everyone else in society. I feel that way, because I did it first hand for a long time. Marriage is falling apart? Post a loving picture of your husband on instagram, telling everyone how amazing he is. Had the worst day of your life with your kids and you feel like jumping off a bridge? take a cute snuggling picture when they finally fall asleep and hashtag #myperfectworld. Half the photos I ever posted of sam as a newborn were either after extremely long, painful and stressful days or a split second of luck with my iPhone. Every family and marriage has it's struggles and hardships, no matter what they might put out there on social media. Yes-there are those out there that put it out there, exactly the way it is. And for those of you who put out perfection because you really do have it, you get nothing but happiness from this green eyed girl. YOUR LIFE IS EXACTLY HOW IT SHOULD BE, BECAUSE IT'S YOURS. Don't ever under estimate the power of owning the life you lead-for all you know someone is looking at your life and wanting the exact same thing.
2. YOU'RE DOING MORE RIGHT THAN YOU THINK
I can't read parenting books for this very reason. Every time I open one I look back on the last year of my life and wonder how the hell I screwed up my child so quickly without even knowing it…and he's only one. Bottom line is- you're going to make mistakes. You're going to have days when you feel like everything you do is wrong and you just pray that one day they'll forgive you for how much you fell short….but. What adults don't realize and what we 'single-parent children' know, is this: by showing your children that above all else, you love, cherish, adore and take pride in them-you're doing everything right. Someday, french fries and capri sun is going to happen for dinner and that's okay. Someones going to fall off a bed, crawl down the stairs head first or lather themselves in hair gel one day too. You're allowed to cry, Eat an entire pint of ice-cream, wear the same sweats for 3 days straight, and tell yourself nothing will every be okay again-all you want. But you're never allowed to tell yourself you're not good enough- or to quit. No one is every truly ready to be a parent. Although this mentality doesn't really work in the 'real' world or workplace, trying your best truly is enough as a parent-as long as it's always met with unconditional love.
3. BE HAPPY WITH YOU, TO BE THE BEST YOU FOR THEM
Tricky title, I know. Here's what it boils down to: YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. The analogy I like to give people for this one is the oxygen masks on an airplane. Anyone who's even flown before knows that in your pre-flight instructions, you're told that in case of an emergency you put your oxygen mask on yourself before helping those around you. If you can't breath, you can't help someone else. The same principle applies to not only motherhood, but life in general. To be candid: I got to a point around 7 months ago when I was so unhappy, I wasn't being the mother I needed to be for Sam. It got so bad that it not only greatly affected my life with him, but my relationships with my friends and family as well. It wasn't until I decided to make a change and to love myself first that I realized how important of a roll my happiness played in my parenting. I couldn't help Sam if I wasn't helping myself. Some people don't agree with me on this point, but. I firmly believe that Happiness is a choice. No one can 'make' you unhappy unless you let them-you choose to be. Children or not, I would hope everyone could apply this mentality to their lives. You deserve to be happy, nothing else. If you put good into yourself, you can put good out to those around you. Funny how that works.
4. YOU AREN'T ALONE (nor will you be forever)
Part A: Asking for help doesn't make you weak. I bet you would be amazed at how many people are truly there for you and are champing at the bit to watch you succeed-if you would be willing to reach out to those around you. Parents, extended family, friends, neighbors, ward members, co-workers, you name it. I honestly don't know what I would do without my mom, grandma, and an arm-full of amazing friends. Those who love you the most, will always be there to help you find happiness. If nothing else, my best friend Jessica is always on the ready for a phone call from me-weather I'm crying, laughing, venting or have hardly anything to say…sometimes just having someone to call and have listen to your problems, is enough. If you truly feel like you have no one close to you in your life to reach out to for help-I'm sitting here now, telling you to come to me. If anything, just to listen. (it goes a lot further than you think)
Part B: "I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life". I don't know how many times I've heard this from new single moms. As much as I can understand feeling like that-I have some pretty uplifting thoughts for you to ask yourself.…what if you weren't? What if someone came into your life that could not only love you the way you deserve to be loved, but your child (children) as well? What if you position yourself in such a place of your life that when that time was to come-you were happy, open, ready and willing to love and be loved again? It all comes back to the 'putting good out there so good comes to you' mentally that I talked about earlier. Life is a crazy, messed up, beautiful thing. Sometimes it can get hard to not feel like "one mans trash is another mans…" you know. Affliction and hard knocks don't make you trash- they make you stronger. How amazing would it be if someone could come along and see the beautiful person your trials have made you, and love you as you are? Without divulging too much into my personal life, I will tell you this: It's more than possible. When my mom realized she was pregnant with me, she suddenly found herself alone. After 11 hard years and feeling all these same thoughts, the most wonderful man I could have ever asked for walked into our lives one day and never looked back. After 3 months, he married my mom, adopted me, sealed himself to me in the temple and then then had my youngest brother. My dad Rees is a perfect example that it's possible-and deserved.
5. TRUST YOURSELF
This one tends to be the hardest for me. How could I ever trust myself again after all the mistakes I've made? Well, no one knows you better than you. And as screwed up and embarrassed as we tend to feel about ourselves sometimes- the moment when you stop trusting yourself is usually when things get even worse. You are made of tough stuff. If ever you doubt your purpose here, or question your ability to get through the hard times-I challenge you to do one thing. Hit your knees. Didn't see that coming? Although my testimony tends to be very private and is something I don't ever plan on sharing over social media, I will say one thing: no matter how alone you feel, or how scared you get-someone knows your problems and your ability to overcome them more than you do. If at times you feel like it's too much to trust yourself, trust him. Nothing will ever happen that you and God can't handle together.
If this blog post has made me seem really well put together and on top of my life, social media has once again done it's beautiful job. Trust me when I tell you that I am far from any of those things. But at the end of the day, when I sit back and think about where I'm at in my life, it always comes back around to one thing: acceptance. Accepting who I am, where I'm at and what is to come. My happiest days come from the realization that trying my best is good enough-and that I am a good person, despite my short comings. Regardless of anything else, I hope that in some way, my mistakes have and can help those who need it. In the end, I guess 'surviving' isn't how I would describe my life right now. I would consider myself thriving in my own crazy, messed up and beautiful world-taking it one day at a time.
Life's too short to just survive.
"You are braver than you believe,
Stronger than you seem &
smarter than you think."
-Winnie The Pooh
-Freebird
